Dear Apple Cheeks

Shining Light in the Dark Places

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Dear Ella Kate,

It is morning, and I wake with a start. I stumble to the bathroom sink, wipe the sleepiness from my puffy eyes, and my heart clenches. Then comes the fall. There is a solid floor beneath my feet, and strong, sturdy legs holding me up, but I fall nonetheless. It isn't my feet falling out from under me you see...it is my heart free-falling, sinking with grief, a feeling akin to being thrown off a high cliff. Tears flow from those tired, puffy eyes; sobs echo against the bathroom walls. It is your birthday, and I am stricken with longing for you. How can you already be eight years old, and how is it possible that I have lived this long without you? Oh, how I miss you!

I foolishly thought that this year would somehow be easier. I scheduled lots of things around your birthday, hoping that they would be a distraction. I worked more days at my job, made an appointment for family photos, and even scheduled my surgery for the Thursday before your birthday, all just to preoccupy my mind. It is so easy for me to get completely buried in grief during the month of November, and I know the signs to look for that let me know I am not coping well: moodiness, sadness, lots of crying over little things, snapping at people I care about, etc. All of these things are just ways to deal with the pain that is always hiding just beneath the surface. I thought all of my busyness was working....until yesterday. I called the bakery to order a small cake for your birthday, and when they asked me what color I wanted the cake to be, I burst into sobs. Josh had to finish ordering, because I was hysterical. But that is how the grief of losing a child is....the pain will come out of nowhere, with a force so strong it knocks the breath out of you.

I wish that this pain was not part of our story. I want you here with me, sitting beside me on the couch, making a Christmas list and watching cartoons. I want to make cupcakes for you, brush your hair, tell you stories about the things you did when you were a baby. But these things will never be.

I have learned a lot over the past eight years of grieving, but perhaps the most important lesson is this: something inside of a mother breaks when she buries her child. It leaves a cavernous hole inside of her heart, and no amount of time can heal it. The hole will always be there, but she has a choice....she gets to choose what to fill that hole with. She can take the easy way out, and let bitterness, resentment, anger, sadness, and pain overcome her. She can let it fill that broken space until it overflows and takes over her whole heart, her whole life. Or she can choose to shine light into that dark place, into her broken heart. She can fill the void with memories of the good things, gratefulness over all of the blessings she has been given, and determination to help other mothers living out similar situations.

As for me, I make a choice daily to shine light in the dark places. I talk about you to friends and family, I share my story with my patients suffering the loss of a child, I read God's promises for you and for me, I look at my wonderful family with awe and a grateful heart, and I fight the bitter, dark moments with everything I've got. It is a daily struggle, but it is the only way to survive. It is the only way I can honor you and your beautiful, short life.

I hope you are proud of me. I know that you are here with me, forever in my heart. I feel close to you as I sit at another grieving mother's bedside, stumbling nervously through a tear-soaked prayer, struggling to find the right words to say to ease her pain. It is you, Ella, that gives me the courage to step outside of my introverted comfort zone and spill my broken heart out to others. My greatest desire is to use my brokenness to somehow help others. I think about you every single day, and I miss you so much it physically hurts. Today, I kept the promise I made to you when you left my arms. I came to your grave, and although I know you are not there, I sang you a Happy Birthday song, blew out the candles on your birthday cake (eight this year!), and tied pretty pink balloons on your headstone. Did you see the pink balloons that your sisters sent to you in the sky? They love and miss you so much! One day we will all be together again, wrapped in a big family hug, and nothing will be able to keep us apart. Until then....Happy Birthday, my sweet baby girl. I love you more than anything. I am a better person because of you.

xoxoxo,
Mama

A Halloween to Remember

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Dear Apple Cheeks,

As the sun fell in a lavender-tinted sky, I stood back, watching as the two of you pranced from house to house, giggling with excitement, and for a moment, I felt like a little girl again. Sigh. Halloween night...whimsical, magical, and just plain FUN!

I love everything about Halloween, but the thing I love the most? The anticipation and the planning. Hosting parties is my THING, and our annual Halloween party is one of my favorites!

I planned for weeks, searching the Target aisles for the perfect decorations for our Halloween party: paper bats for the walls, spider webs for every surface, potion bottles filled with food coloring and plastic worms, fake eyeballs, and a flashing "zombie brain"....I didn't go overboard AT ALL. Obviously, I like to keep things simple. I mean, the brain was absolutely NECESSARY.

We planned the perfect menu, complete with a "graveyard" cookies and cream cake, chili dogs, crockpot broccoli cheese soup, and lots of fun little treats, like "spider eggs" (powdered sugar covered donut holes), and zombie brain cupcakes. But the piece de resistance??? Two words: DRY ICE. I will never host a Halloween party again without it. All of the kids (and adults) were fascinated, and it really pushed the party over the top! Perfect for our bubbly, spooky witch's cauldron.

I let the two of you stay up past your bedtime on Halloween Eve to help make desserts, and we giggled late into the night as we smeared pink icing onto funfetti cupcakes, trying desperately to make them look like brains. Not quite as easy as the Pinterest moms told me it would be, or maybe I am just terrible at cake decorating, but either way, it took SEVERAL attempts to make them resemble brains. Oh well, what this mama lacks in skill, she definitely makes up for in effort, and girls, that is what I hope you remember most from all of this. It isn't about perfectly decorated cupcakes, or the perfect decorations, or STUFF at all. It is about putting forth the effort to make something special for the people you love, and it is ALWAYS worth it. YOU are worth it, and I hope you know that I loved every minute of it!

And just so your mama keeps it real: this party did not go off without a hitch (do they ever?). In fact, it got a little crazy right before "go time". Let's just say that one of you precious children, who shall remain nameless (but I bet you can guess which one), threw an EPIC fit over getting your hair spray-painted, complete with screaming, LOTS of tears, and throwing your unicorn-clad self into a heap on the floor. It was NOT magical. It was ugly, and bonus: during the midst of painting THREE faces into the likes of a mermaid, unicorn, and deer, I was also trying to finish a pan of chili dogs and homemade pizza rolls, and ya know....DRY MY HAIR!!!! I may have thrown an epic fit myself, and showed up to my own party with partially wet hair, but like I said...WORTH.IT. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. The look on your faces when the witch's cauldron started bubbling over ALONE was enough to make it worth every tear, every smear of icing, every fake eyelash glued into place, and every single moment spent in preparation.

xoxo,
Mama

So, without further ado, here are a few highlights from our spooky, magical, perfectly imperfect Halloween night. It was EPIC....even more epic than a unicorn tantrum.

The spooky, bubbling, boiling witch's cauldron was the hit of the party!

Cute goodie boxes for all of the kids! Everything pictured came from the Target dollar spot or Dollar Tree.

Ready for trick or treating!

The best part of the night is ALWAYS sitting by the doorway and handing out candy to all of the kids!

Costumes for Halloween 2016: mermaid and a (temperamental)unicorn :)

Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet

Friday, November 20, 2015

Some years things feel easier, and you can see your growth...how you have learned, accepted, found peace with your grief. And then there are years like this one, where the deep, settled pain twists in your gut and makes even just breathing hard. This year blindsided me. I didn't expect to feel the bitterness that crept in during the last couple of weeks. I didn't expect to yell hurtful words at those I love, didn't expect to burst into sobs that came so out of the blue, that the sound shocks you when you realize the sobbing is coming from your own lips, from your own well of pain. This year, there are no words to wrap around my sorrow, so I pulled something from my diary to place here on your birthday, Ella Kate. Seven years old. You would be seven, and the pain of losing you is so fresh, yet so settled in my soul. It is just as much a part of me today as you are. I miss you so much, and would give anything to have you here. I do not like this part of my grief...the bitterness feels ugly and lonely, but I know that even here, in this dark place, God is with me in the trenches. He will not leave me here.

Excerpt from my journal:

I'm not really sure what prompts me to search for the book. It is late at night, in that sweet hour of peacefulness after the kids have been tucked in tight, dishwasher humming softly through the house, letting me know the household chores are finally finished for the day, and I can have some quiet time for myself. I run the bath tub full...as full as it can possibly get without overflowing, and as hot as I can possibly stand it. I pour the bubble bath under the running water, light the candles, and go get the book that is weighing heavily on my mind. It's a beautiful story, a lovely memoir, but I have read its pages before, so I am unsure why I feel the need to go dig it out from under my bed. But I do. I open the book, and watch as a slip of paper falls from the pages and flutters softly to the floor. I reach down for it, and recognize what it is immediately. Any mother would. The glossy, thin texture, the fuzzy black and white image. It's an ultrasound photograph of my sweet girl, who is in the arms of Jesus. I close my eyes and grip the book hard in my hands. Did I read this book when I was pregnant with her? When she was still tucked away, safe and sound inside? I rifle through the pages, lie on the floor, hold the book against my heart, put it against my face. My only thought: "she was ALIVE when I read this book", and it feels as if a piece of us must be in those pages. We read it TOGETHER.

I want to go to her, but I can't. So I talk to God, and ask him to tell her how much I love her, how much I fought for her life in prayer. I ask Him to tell her that I have planned her birthday out, from start to finish in my head. She would have a Hello Kitty cake, and pink balloons, and the most perfect outfit that I searched for months for and probably would have spent way too much money on. I ask Him to tell her about all the things we would have done together...how I would paint her toenails pink, and braid her hair; make her special snacks, and read her books before bed.

The tears come, fresh from a never-ending well reserved just for her. I drain the water from the tub, blow out the candles, stuff the book back under my bed. There will be no relaxing tonight...the only relief from this heartache is a tender God, and a night of sweet sleep. So I crawl under the covers, close my eyes tight, and I know she will be waiting for me in my dreams. Maybe I will get to hold her there tonight? Please, Jesus...

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Psalms 34:18

Thank you Lord, for being close, even in the brokenness and the bitter moments. You are the same God in the sorrow that you are in the joy. Help me to find your sweet, unconditional love, even when it all tastes bitter.

A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb,
But to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.
Proverbs 27:7

Dear Grieving Mother,

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Dear Grieving Mother,

I see. I know. I understand.

But more importantly,

HE sees. HE knows. HE understands.

I see you. I see the brave smile you plaster on your face for the world to see. You are afraid that people won't be able to handle your pain, so you hide it. Some people will be fooled by that fake smile, and others will lie to themselves that you must really be doing ok, so they don't have to live with your grief. But I see your eyes. Oh, your eyes. Deep wells trying to conceal deeper pain. I see myself there, my own grief reflected back, and it sears my heart. Please forgive me if I look away.

I know. I know how you feel when you wake up in the morning, stretching and yawning in a groggy fog of barely-awake peacefulness, only to be slammed moments later in the chest with the heavy brick of grief that reminds you of your new reality: "My child is dead". You had forgotten in your sleep, hadn't you? I know, I know. I do that too. I know that your grief no longer feels like an emotion, but is now a dwelling place. You feel trapped there, and just when you muster up the courage to peek your head out and feel the sunshine, you are pushed forcefully back in. Door locked, key thrown to the wind. This darkness, this pain...it feels like falling, doesn't it? Falling into a deep, dark pit.

I understand. I understand the internal struggle when a stranger asks if you have any children, and you don't know how to answer. Which is worse...saying "no" and feeling guilty, or telling them that your child died, and watching them stumble, trying to find the right words to say? I understand that sometimes even a hug or a kind word from someone can hurt and make you want to run away. It's as if your entire being is one giant, exposed nerve-ending, and even being shown compassion and kindness can cause great pain.

I want you to know that it is ok to feel the way you are feeling. More than anything, I want you to know that it is OK to NEVER get over this, to NEVER "move on". Anyone that tells you differently has never stepped a foot along the journey you are now traveling on. But I also want you to know that there IS another side to this mountain of grief that you are struggling to climb. This pain? It will feel fresh for a very long time, much longer than you had imagined. You will struggle a few feet up the mountain, bare hands and feet clumsily gripping the rocky surface, only to lose your grip and slide back down again, scraping your hands, your knees, your heart along the way. You will dig your fingers into the dirt, desperate to climb out of that pit of grief, catch a glimpse of the sun shining above you, only to fall right back in, covered in mud and pain that can't be washed away. You will wish YOU had been buried instead of your child.

But I want, no NEED you to know that there is a God who loves you. A God that does not CAUSE pain, although He sometimes allows it, in order to work through us and in us in ways we could never fathom. I want you to know that you have a Father that empathizes with you in your pain. He hears your cries, He shares your burden, and He will NOT leave you there alone in that dark pit, broken and suffering.

The Bible says in Romans 8:28 that,

"We know that all things work together for good to those that love God."

All things. All things. ALL things. ALL THINGS.

The mistakes. The shame. The failures. The regret. The deep, dark, take your breath away, can't get out of bed, tear-soaked, gut-wrenching, life-changing, searing, middle-of-the-night, can't go on, grief-stricken PAIN.

All things. All things. ALL things. ALL THINGS.

Have faith, friend. Everything will be used for good. And will you let Him meet you there? Right there in the middle of that pit of grief you are calling home. Sit there in silence, or cry out to Him and tell Him where it hurts. HE SEES. HE KNOWS. HE UNDERSTANDS. Let your raw pain expose you to his touch. Let your hurt push you into a deeper relationship and a brand-new understanding of who God is. He is not just the God who "gives and takes away". He is not a God who punishes bad people and rewards those who do everything "right". He is Healer. Comforter. Father. He wants us to run to Him when we are hurt, like a child runs to their earthly father.

I am six years into my grief. My grief is mature, with a set-in, permanent knowledge that my daughter is not coming back to me here on earth. I still sometimes struggle there on the edge of the pit, feeling the dirt give way under my feet, grappling to get back to safety, a few feet back from the dark hole. You see, I was just like you - stuck in a pit that looks a lot like yours. I had a choice...run to my Heavenly Father in my pain, or turn my back and harden my heart. Little by little, I grew my faith, taking tiny steps toward Him and letting Him pull me further and further out. Then one day, I realized I was no longer in it. I was on the outside, looking down at where I had been. I still grieve. I still break down and sob. I still long for things to be different. But my grief is now something I live WITH, not IN, not because "time heals all wounds" (it doesn't), but because I have allowed God to minister to me in my brokenness. I now know a side of God that is so personal, I wonder if anyone else has ever felt His presence in quite the same way. I believe they haven't. I believe that our Father wants to give each of us that gift of something personal, something special, something just for us.

Will you let Him do that for you? Will you let Him love you? All it takes is a weak, whispered "yes, Lord".

My prayers are with anyone reading this that may be suffering through the loss of a child. There is no pain like it. You are not alone, but you ARE cared for, important, prayed over, and loved. If you need someone to talk to, please email me. I would love to be there for you. My contact info is listed below. Also, PLEASE SHARE with anyone you know who is going through a loss. I truly believe SOMEONE needs to read this message.

XOXO,

Julie

longlivevintage12 @aol.com

Three Candles on her Birthday Cake

Monday, January 6, 2014

Dear Apple Cheeks,

I watch as the clock strikes the magical hour....it is 11:23 A.M., and I scoop you up in my arms and sing a Happy Birthday song.

I knew this day would come. I mean, I MUST have known, right? That day, three years ago, when we locked eyes for the first time, when I felt the heat of your body against mine and looked into the face of brand-new life....surely I knew! But that day felt like a promise...it felt like we had forever ahead of us. Then somehow, all of those middle-of-the-night feedings and exhausted days that seemed like they would never end....did. They slowly turned into crawling, first words and first steps, temper tantrums and time-outs. And now here we are...you and I, with three whole years under our belts. The tiny baby in the newborn onesie, replaced by a vibrant three year old in a princess dress, ready to take on the world.

This birthday feels different. The first one felt like victory...I had made it through the sleepless nights and endless feedings! Year two felt like relief...we made it through the "terrible two's" in one piece! Year three feels like a brick to the chest....my baby is growing up. I am keenly aware of this as I spin you around the kitchen, singing a birthday song just for you. I think about it as I comb the tangles from your hair, pour your juice, make your favorite pancake dinner. And tonight as I snuggle close to you and feel your heart beat against mine, I will breathe the reality as I fall asleep...my daughter is growing up.

They say that time flies, but to me it feels more like a boulder crashing down a mountain, gaining momentum as it descends. Trying to stop it is futile, slowing it down impossible. Somewhere along the way, amidst the exciting flurry of all the childhood "firsts", a lot of "lasts" began stacking up as well. Last bottle, last night in the crib, last midnight wake-up call for a feeding. You say "spaghetti", instead of "basghetti", and my heart simultaneously swells with pride as it shatters into pieces. And I realize that THIS is motherhood...this series of conflicting emotions that cannot be contained in words. Happiness? Yes! Fear? Definitely. Love? Absolutely! But yet it is so much more than all of that. It is every emotion rolled into one, and I ride the wave of it, just trying to stay afloat. And I know that it is all blessing, all grace...that being a mother is a gift even on the hard days; that watching you grow is witnessing a beautiful story unfold.

So my prayer is this...that I WATCH. STOP. STARE. WRITE. PHOTOGRAPH. LOVE. ENJOY. That I remain aware of the crashing boulder of time, and that instead of standing still and trying to slow it down, that I roll along with it, collecting beautiful moments and memories as we go. I can't stop time; I can only relish the time we have left. May it be long.

So Happy Birthday sweet Addison...I can't wait to watch your third year unfold.

Love,
Mama

EIGHT TIPS FOR CAPTURING THE MAGIC OF THE SEASON

Monday, December 23, 2013

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas season, and taking tons of photos of their kiddos, but I am guessing that if you are like me, the holidays have crept up on you, and you are feeling a little guilty and stressed over all of the special moments that you had intended to capture but never did. But take heart....it's not too late!!! I have compiled a little list of eight of my favorite photo tips and moments to photograph this holiday season. Every mama deserves awesome pictures of her kids this time of year, and it isn't as hard as you might think....promise!!!!

So, without further ado, here they are.....

EIGHT WAYS TO CAPTURE THE MAGIC THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON:

1. Photograph Twinkle Lights

I know that this probably seems obvious, but how many of you have tried to photograph the beautiful, out-of-focus lights(also known as bokeh) on your tree, only to be discouraged when they do not turn out the way you envisioned? I promise that this is EASY, and once you master it, you will feel like a real photographer ;). Here are my easy-peasy steps to capture a photo just like this:

*You must have a DSLR for this type of shot, and if you have a 50mm lens, use it!!
*Turn your camera dial to the manual setting ("M")
*Turn your aperture dial until you see the LOWEST number aperture (in the case of a 50mm lens, it will be 1.8 or 1.4...a kit lens will probably be around 3-4). This is called shooting wide open :).
* Turn your ISO up HIGH(this will vary depending on your camera, but start around 1000 and go from there).
*Flip the little switch on your lens from "auto focus" to "manual focus".
*Turn the focus ring on your lens until the lights on your tree look like out of focus orbs of light...you can make them bigger by making them further out of focus, or smaller by retaining SOME focus.
*Adjust your shutter speed until you have a correct exposure, OR just play with it until you get the desired brightness in your photo....don't be too concerned with lining up the tick marks. There is nothing wrong with creatively under or overexposing! If you have a hard time with camera shake, lean against a wall or furniture to steady your hand for a slow shutter speed ;)
*Click that shutter and be amazed!!!!! :) Instant Christmas tree bokeh!!!!!

2. Set the scene and walk away.

This is a trick I use all of the time when photographing my own kids. We all want storybook pictures of our children...wouldn't it be nice if all of our Christmas photos included combed hair with bows, new pajamas or Christmas outfits, and a setting free of clutter??? Well, here is a tip: take ten minutes to change your child's clothes, clear the clutter, and stage the setting. Give the kids an activity, such as "decorate the tree" or "write a letter to Santa", and then walk away and let them do their own thing. This is lifestyle photography at its best ;)....just try not to direct your kids or pose them! Step back and capture them just as they are....natural expressions, real interaction, etc. You are bound to capture some priceless moments if you use this style of photography! Don't be afraid to offend the "die-hard" lifestyle photographers out there by tidying up a bit or wiping your kid's snotty nose before snapping the shutter lol....you are just creating a more visually dynamic and appealing photo and composition, not staging the shot!!! :)

3. Don't forget the details!!!

Sometimes, the story is in the details. For example, in order to illustrate the story of my family's eggnog tradition, I could take a snapshot of the family sitting on the couch with their cups. But sometimes a detail shot is more effective and interesting...such as a photo of four tiny cups, filled to the brim with eggnog, photographed in front of the sparkling Christmas tree. The two photos tell the same story, but the detail-shot is more visually dynamic and unique. The detail photo makes you want to hear the story, doesn't it? :) Some possible detail photos to capture this season: special ornaments, cups of hot cocoa or eggnog, little hands baking cookies, up-close shots of letters to Santa, little hands hanging ornaments on the tree, a picture of a special recipe, etc. Think outside the box when capturing a special memory!!! :)

Addie sneaking a cookie during our eggnog tradition ;)

Flour flying from little hands during cookie baking...

4. Capture special traditions

We all have fun activities that are unique to our family. Maybe you make homemade ornaments with your kids every year, or drive around looking at Christmas lights in your pj's, or have a special advent calendar. Don't get caught up in the hoopla of "elf on the shelf" or other things you feel like you "have to do". Think about the traditions that your family shares that would be greatly missed if you didn't do them....the things that you look forward to each year and always want to remember. Now go photograph those things!!!! That is the story of YOUR family :).

making cinnamon-applesauce ornaments....a yearly tradition

touring the neighborhood in a wagon with hot cocoa and jammies

picking out a Christmas tree

5. Know when to put the camera away

This one is a big deal for all of us mom-tographers out there that want to capture every special moment in our family's lives, but I bet it would surprise you to know that I take surprisingly FEW photos of my kids' activities ;). It is important to limit the time that I am shooting, so that I can also enjoy the moments as they are happening!!! My advice for this is to shoot for the first five minutes, and then put the camera down!!!!! For example, when my kiddos wake up on Christmas morning, I want to capture that excitement and wonder when they first see the presents Santa brought them. So I make sure I am "on top of my game", and get the shots I want right away, and then I put the camera down and just savor watching them and being with them. Know that when it comes to photography, it is QUALITY not QUANTITY that is important! I would rather have ONE amazing shot of my girls, wide-eyed with wonder, than FIFTY shots of them opening random gifts after the initial excitement has passed :).

going to see what Santa brought :)

the "aftermath"....asleep in her new teepee after all the Christmas festivities!

6. The night before Christmas is important too! :)

Some of my favorite photos of my girls are the ones I took while they were sleeping snugly in their beds on Christmas Eve. Tuck them in tight, read them a story, then sneak back into their rooms and capture their sweet faces as they dream about Christmas morning :). There is nothing like the innocence of a sleeping child!!! Tips: Turn on a bedside lamp or Christmas tree if your child has one in their room, and if you shoot in auto mode, turn off your flash so that you can capture the natural ambient light instead of a glaring flash! If your photo looks blurry without the flash turned on, or if you are shooting in manual and have a slow shutter speed, then use an object as a tripod....just lean against a sturdy piece of furniture, wall, or even a toy to steady your hand ;).

7. Focus on the feelings

Try not to get too caught up in photographing the "standard" Christmas things. Yes, a photo with Santa is important, but think outside the box and try to focus on the feelings you want to remember about this time in your family's lives. Whatever stage of life your children are in at this moment, it is fleeting. This year, I am soaking up all the moments of toddlerhood with Addie....her fascination with the lights, our little porcelain Christmas village, and snowglobes. I am also soaking up these last moments I have with my oldest daughter, who, for the moment, still believes in Santa :). These moments are precious to me, and I want to take photos of things that highlight their stages of childhood.

making a wish list to send to Santa...

8. Photos are made for albums and frames ;)

This year, I made a point to PRINT all of our Christmas photos. I have made a simple album to hold all of our memories, and have framed a couple of prints to put out each year :). I love sharing my pictures on Facebook and social media, but it is more important to pull those pictures OFF my computer, and put them in my family's hands for everyone to enjoy!!!

I hope this little list inspires you to take some photos you haven't thought of before, but always remember to enjoy the moment first, and capture the memory second!!!! Living in the moment is priceless :).

xoxo,
Julie

Christmas Magic

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Dear Apple Cheeks,

Well girls, it is officially December, and we have spent the last two weeks decking the halls...your dad and I parked studiously at the dining room table, researching and making, decorating and designing. One of us meticulously designed a tree made from lights for the front yard using mathematical formulas, while the other crafted mini snow globes from old baby food jars, and mod-podged everything in sight with an obscene amount of red glitter. I will let you guess which things I made ;). Let's just say it's a good thing your dad and I balance each other out, because left to my own defenses, I might just cover the entire inside of the house with twinkle lights and glitter.....what can I say? I am right-brained all the way....just give me a glue stick and some paper, and I am one happy girl :).

I blame my Christmas spirit on my mother. As far as holiday cheer, goes, she set the bar pretty high. Each December, my childhood home was filled to the brim with twinkle lights, a tree in every room(including one by the [ahem] toilet [cough,cough]), and motion-activated figurines that belted out Christmas tunes when we walked by. A perpetual soundtrack of The Carpenter's Christmas carols filled the house all month long, as my mother tirelessly produced batch after batch of homemade goodies...fudge, her famous divinity, and pies. Basically, girls, your granny is the "Queen of Christmas", which makes YOUR mother the "princess of Christmas", and I am more than willing to own that title, so bring on the glitter and fake snow....let's make some magic!!! Because that was what my mother was REALLY doing all along, and we didn't even know it...she was creating an atmosphere of magic, wonder, anticipation, and joy. Every strand of lights she strung, every dollar she sacrificed to make a wish list come true, every batch of finicky divinity candy she coddled on the stovetop....it all added up to an entire childhood of Christmas wonder. I can still recall the excitement of Christmas Eve as a child...laying on my sister's trundle bed beneath the old, frayed quilt, straining to hear the faintest jingle of sleigh bells or thump of reindeer hooves. I know what it's like to be so excited you can hardly breathe, let alone SLEEP!!!! The gifts I received are a memory I can't recall, but the feeling of waking up on Christmas morning and walking down the hall to see what Santa brought? Well, that feeling is etched on my heart forever.

Oh, childhood, sweet childhood....mine just a memory, but yours here for the moment, fleeting though it may be. I vow to revel in it, savor it, dwell in it, and take advantage of every second of it! I hope that I can somehow create for you what my mother did for me....a sense of wonder, and the firm knowledge that you are loved and worth the effort. You are worth every light strung, every decoration, every special tradition we create together. So lets' make some magic this Christmas, girls. Let's create a season that has little to do with gifts, and everything to do with feelings...an overwhelming love for Jesus, a deep comfort that comes from being together as a family, and a sense of wonder and joy. Let's sit together under that old frayed quilt and drink hot chocolate. Let's cuddle on the couch and giggle together while watching Christmas movies. Let's make cookies and ornaments, and laugh instead of cry when we ruin yet another batch of Christmas candy ;). Let's make memories that will last a lifetime...the kind of memories that can bring warmth on a chilly day, and bring you back home when your childhood seems very far away.

Christmas is in your blood, girls...embrace it!!!! :)

With love (and glitter),
Mama

Just a few of our outdoor lights :)...