Dear Apple Cheeks

Dear Apple Cheeks,

It was on this day five years ago that you came into this world...heart pumping, arms flailing...a fighter from the very beginning. You came like a whirlwind and swept my heart away from the first moment I laid eyes on you. I saw your face, and I knew you....you were mine, and I was yours. But you came much too soon, and seventeen days later, I found myself face-down on the hospital floor, pleading with God to save your little life. Later that night, I held you as I watched you slip away. I rocked you in my arms, sang soft lullabies in your tiny ear, and I believe with all of my heart that you heard me when I told you how much I love you....more than anything....more than everything.

Lydia, life doesn't get much harder than this. You have watched your mother's pain, and we have weathered this storm together, just you and me. One of the most heart-breaking, beautiful, faith-solidifying things I have ever encountered has been watching you process the death of your sister. I know how much you love her, and how much you feel her absence. Sometimes you will sit alone and cry, draw pictures for her, or make up songs and sing them to her when you think no one is listening. I want you to know that she hears them, and that she knows how much you love and miss her. This emptiness will never heal, but together we will move forward until the day we get to see her again. I hope I have shown you with my own life and with my own grieving process that you can make it through anything. God will take care of you, and help you through the unthinkable. Never forget that, sweet girl.

As I celebrate your fifth birthday, Ella, I will sit by your grave, sing "Happy Birthday" to you, and release five pink balloons into the sky. I will eat cake, look at your pictures, and reminisce. I will ache to hold you just one more time, dream of your face, and cry tears from a never-ending well reserved just for you. I will feel fresh, brand-new hurt so painful, it will make me lose my breath and drop me to my knees. And it is there, on my knees, that I will pray. I will give my broken heart to the only one who can mend it. I will ask for help, and He will not fail to give it. He will comfort me, and soothe me with His love. I will lay my hurt at the feet of the One who promises me that this is all part of His plan, and that He will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born (Isaiah 66:9).

And for all of the mothers with the broken, shattered dreams...the ones with dirt on their clothes from laying by the graves of their babies...the ones with the tear-soaked pillows, and the hearts that never stop aching.....

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more. There will no longer be any mourning, crying, or pain. For the old order of things have passed away."

Rev 21:4

We will see them again one day....

xoxo,

Julie

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Balloons were released by each family member at the Baby Steps 5K. It is a beautiful, heart-breaking sight to know that each of these balloons represent a child or a baby. Hundreds of balloons were released this year....

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My husband and I run the Baby Steps 5K each year in memory of Ella and Ethan

Dear Apple Cheeks,

One day you girls will read these words when you are in a similar stage of life as I am in right now....a mother, a wife, in your twenties or thirties with young children of your own. I hope that when you are my age, your life is FULL....that it feels like it may just burst at the seams from all of the goodness that you have been blessed with. I hope you have careers that challenge you, and a hobby that feels like passion...something you could do every single day of your life and never tire of it. This is the way that I feel most days....full, and blessed, and passionate, and ready to take on the day. But it has not always been this way, girls, and if one day you are reading this, and it feels like maybe your life is running you instead of the other way around, do not be discouraged! Please know that your mother has been there too, and that finding balance is a life-long battle. As women, we wear the term "busy" like a badge of honor....whoever has the busiest life, the most obligations, the least "free time" is the winner. We have a tendency to make life a competition, not realizing that in the process of "winning" the busy contest, we are losing the joy from our days. It is a continual struggle NOT to join the busy competition, because let's face it....it is MUCH easier to say "yes" to every opportunity and invitation that comes our way than to say "no". Something that has taken me a long time to realize is that when we say "yes" to something, though, we are also saying "no" to something else. You may decide to turn down a professional opportunity by saying "no", but you are really just saying "yes" to more time for something else in your life(family, free time, peace of mind,etc.). My challenge for the two of you is this: Do not follow the norm and wear "BUSY" like a badge ;). Take time to play with your kids in the living room floor, watch a movie with your husband, read something that inspires you, take a two hour bubble bath, or stay in your pajamas and scrapbook all day. Bake a pie, learn something new, sit all by yourself in a coffee shop, or do absolutely anything else that feeds your soul and brings you peace. If your schedule feels out of control, take time to figure out WHY it is so hectic. Nothing gets on our plate without us saying "yes" to it. Eliminate things from your life that feel like a weight on your shoulders....scale down, mark off, say "no", choose less. Busy isn't better, and success is not having a bigger "to-do list". A successful woman is one that knows how to prioritize; one that knows that she can take time to be with her family, friends, God, and herself while still crushing her professional goals :). Balance, balance, balance....find it, savor it, lose it, then find it again. :) So, if today you are reading this and your life is "oh my gosh, out of control!!!!!!", then find a quiet spot(hide in the closet if you have to), and make a different kind of to-do list. Not the typical, anxiety-producing, how am I ever gonna get all of this done kind of list, but a "want to do list". Think of FIVE things you would like to accomplish this month that you feel like you would never have the free time to do. Keep it SIMPLE, do-able, and only include things that are JUST FOR YOU ! This list should be all about bringing you joy, peace, and making you feel creative and accomplished, not guilty!!!! When your regular to-do list begins to feel overwhelming, pull out your want-to-do list and feel the peace that washes over you....that is the beauty of balance, girls!! So go make your list of goals and start crushing them!!!! I promise you will feel more accomplished than you ever have, and you will have more drive than ever to knock out your regular to-do list if you include this simple idea into your life. Remember that I love you, I understand how you feel, and that you can and WILL do anything you set your mind to!!!

xoxo,

Mama

P.S.

Here is my list of "5 Simple Goals" for November, along with some wonderful fall memories we have created this year :). Isn't life beautiful when we take the time to enjoy it?????