Dear Apple Cheeks,

 

It was on this day five years ago that you came into this world...heart pumping, arms flailing...a fighter from the very beginning. You came like a whirlwind and swept my heart away from the first moment I laid eyes on you. I saw your face, and I knew you....you were mine, and I was yours. But you came much too soon, and seventeen days later, I found myself face-down on the hospital floor, pleading with God to save your little life. Later that night, I held you as I watched you slip away. I rocked you in my arms, sang soft lullabies in your tiny ear, and I believe with all of my heart that you heard me when I told you how much I love you....more than anything....more than everything.

 

Lydia, life doesn't get much harder than this. You have watched your mother's pain, and we have weathered this storm together, just you and me. One of the most heart-breaking, beautiful, faith-solidifying things I have ever encountered has been watching you process the death of your sister. I know how much you love her, and how much you feel her absence. Sometimes you will sit alone and cry, draw pictures for her, or make up songs and sing them to her when you think no one is listening. I want you to know that she hears them, and that she knows how much you love and miss her. This emptiness will never heal, but together we will move forward until the day we get to see her again. I hope I have shown you with my own life and with my own grieving process that you can make it through anything. God will take care of you, and help you through the unthinkable. Never forget that, sweet girl.

 

As I celebrate your fifth birthday, Ella, I will sit by your grave, sing "Happy Birthday" to you, and release five pink balloons into the sky. I will eat cake, look at your pictures, and reminisce. I will ache to hold you just one more time, dream of your face, and cry tears from a never-ending well reserved just for you. I will feel fresh, brand-new hurt so painful, it will make me lose my breath and drop me to my knees. And it is there, on my knees, that I will pray. I will give my broken heart to the only one who can mend it. I will ask for help, and He will not fail to give it. He will comfort me, and soothe me with His love. I will lay my hurt at the feet of the One who promises me that this is all part of His plan, and that He will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born (Isaiah 66:9).

 

And for all of the mothers with the broken, shattered dreams...the ones with dirt on their clothes from laying by the graves of their babies...the ones with the tear-soaked pillows, and the hearts that never stop aching.....

 

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more. There will no longer be any mourning, crying, or pain. For the old order of things have passed away."

Rev 21:4

 

We will see them again one day....

 

 

xoxo,

 

Julie 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Balloons were released by each family member at the Baby Steps 5K. It is a beautiful, heart-breaking sight to know that each of these balloons represent a child or a baby. Hundreds of balloons were released this year....

 

My husband and I run the Baby Steps 5K each year in memory of Ella and Ethan