| Dear Apple Cheeks

Dear Grieving Mother,

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Dear Grieving Mother,

I see. I know. I understand.

But more importantly,

HE sees. HE knows. HE understands.

I see you. I see the brave smile you plaster on your face for the world to see. You are afraid that people won't be able to handle your pain, so you hide it. Some people will be fooled by that fake smile, and others will lie to themselves that you must really be doing ok, so they don't have to live with your grief. But I see your eyes. Oh, your eyes. Deep wells trying to conceal deeper pain. I see myself there, my own grief reflected back, and it sears my heart. Please forgive me if I look away.

I know. I know how you feel when you wake up in the morning, stretching and yawning in a groggy fog of barely-awake peacefulness, only to be slammed moments later in the chest with the heavy brick of grief that reminds you of your new reality: "My child is dead". You had forgotten in your sleep, hadn't you? I know, I know. I do that too. I know that your grief no longer feels like an emotion, but is now a dwelling place. You feel trapped there, and just when you muster up the courage to peek your head out and feel the sunshine, you are pushed forcefully back in. Door locked, key thrown to the wind. This darkness, this pain...it feels like falling, doesn't it? Falling into a deep, dark pit.

I understand. I understand the internal struggle when a stranger asks if you have any children, and you don't know how to answer. Which is worse...saying "no" and feeling guilty, or telling them that your child died, and watching them stumble, trying to find the right words to say? I understand that sometimes even a hug or a kind word from someone can hurt and make you want to run away. It's as if your entire being is one giant, exposed nerve-ending, and even being shown compassion and kindness can cause great pain.

I want you to know that it is ok to feel the way you are feeling. More than anything, I want you to know that it is OK to NEVER get over this, to NEVER "move on". Anyone that tells you differently has never stepped a foot along the journey you are now traveling on. But I also want you to know that there IS another side to this mountain of grief that you are struggling to climb. This pain? It will feel fresh for a very long time, much longer than you had imagined. You will struggle a few feet up the mountain, bare hands and feet clumsily gripping the rocky surface, only to lose your grip and slide back down again, scraping your hands, your knees, your heart along the way. You will dig your fingers into the dirt, desperate to climb out of that pit of grief, catch a glimpse of the sun shining above you, only to fall right back in, covered in mud and pain that can't be washed away. You will wish YOU had been buried instead of your child.

But I want, no NEED you to know that there is a God who loves you. A God that does not CAUSE pain, although He sometimes allows it, in order to work through us and in us in ways we could never fathom. I want you to know that you have a Father that empathizes with you in your pain. He hears your cries, He shares your burden, and He will NOT leave you there alone in that dark pit, broken and suffering.

The Bible says in Romans 8:28 that,

"We know that all things work together for good to those that love God."

All things. All things. ALL things. ALL THINGS.

The mistakes. The shame. The failures. The regret. The deep, dark, take your breath away, can't get out of bed, tear-soaked, gut-wrenching, life-changing, searing, middle-of-the-night, can't go on, grief-stricken PAIN.

All things. All things. ALL things. ALL THINGS.

Have faith, friend. Everything will be used for good. And will you let Him meet you there? Right there in the middle of that pit of grief you are calling home. Sit there in silence, or cry out to Him and tell Him where it hurts. HE SEES. HE KNOWS. HE UNDERSTANDS. Let your raw pain expose you to his touch. Let your hurt push you into a deeper relationship and a brand-new understanding of who God is. He is not just the God who "gives and takes away". He is not a God who punishes bad people and rewards those who do everything "right". He is Healer. Comforter. Father. He wants us to run to Him when we are hurt, like a child runs to their earthly father.

I am six years into my grief. My grief is mature, with a set-in, permanent knowledge that my daughter is not coming back to me here on earth. I still sometimes struggle there on the edge of the pit, feeling the dirt give way under my feet, grappling to get back to safety, a few feet back from the dark hole. You see, I was just like you - stuck in a pit that looks a lot like yours. I had a choice...run to my Heavenly Father in my pain, or turn my back and harden my heart. Little by little, I grew my faith, taking tiny steps toward Him and letting Him pull me further and further out. Then one day, I realized I was no longer in it. I was on the outside, looking down at where I had been. I still grieve. I still break down and sob. I still long for things to be different. But my grief is now something I live WITH, not IN, not because "time heals all wounds" (it doesn't), but because I have allowed God to minister to me in my brokenness. I now know a side of God that is so personal, I wonder if anyone else has ever felt His presence in quite the same way. I believe they haven't. I believe that our Father wants to give each of us that gift of something personal, something special, something just for us.

Will you let Him do that for you? Will you let Him love you? All it takes is a weak, whispered "yes, Lord".

My prayers are with anyone reading this that may be suffering through the loss of a child. There is no pain like it. You are not alone, but you ARE cared for, important, prayed over, and loved. If you need someone to talk to, please email me. I would love to be there for you. My contact info is listed below. Also, PLEASE SHARE with anyone you know who is going through a loss. I truly believe SOMEONE needs to read this message.

XOXO,

Julie

longlivevintage12 @aol.com

Three Candles on her Birthday Cake

Monday, January 6, 2014

Dear Apple Cheeks,

I watch as the clock strikes the magical hour....it is 11:23 A.M., and I scoop you up in my arms and sing a Happy Birthday song.

I knew this day would come. I mean, I MUST have known, right? That day, three years ago, when we locked eyes for the first time, when I felt the heat of your body against mine and looked into the face of brand-new life....surely I knew! But that day felt like a promise...it felt like we had forever ahead of us. Then somehow, all of those middle-of-the-night feedings and exhausted days that seemed like they would never end....did. They slowly turned into crawling, first words and first steps, temper tantrums and time-outs. And now here we are...you and I, with three whole years under our belts. The tiny baby in the newborn onesie, replaced by a vibrant three year old in a princess dress, ready to take on the world.

This birthday feels different. The first one felt like victory...I had made it through the sleepless nights and endless feedings! Year two felt like relief...we made it through the "terrible two's" in one piece! Year three feels like a brick to the chest....my baby is growing up. I am keenly aware of this as I spin you around the kitchen, singing a birthday song just for you. I think about it as I comb the tangles from your hair, pour your juice, make your favorite pancake dinner. And tonight as I snuggle close to you and feel your heart beat against mine, I will breathe the reality as I fall asleep...my daughter is growing up.

They say that time flies, but to me it feels more like a boulder crashing down a mountain, gaining momentum as it descends. Trying to stop it is futile, slowing it down impossible. Somewhere along the way, amidst the exciting flurry of all the childhood "firsts", a lot of "lasts" began stacking up as well. Last bottle, last night in the crib, last midnight wake-up call for a feeding. You say "spaghetti", instead of "basghetti", and my heart simultaneously swells with pride as it shatters into pieces. And I realize that THIS is motherhood...this series of conflicting emotions that cannot be contained in words. Happiness? Yes! Fear? Definitely. Love? Absolutely! But yet it is so much more than all of that. It is every emotion rolled into one, and I ride the wave of it, just trying to stay afloat. And I know that it is all blessing, all grace...that being a mother is a gift even on the hard days; that watching you grow is witnessing a beautiful story unfold.

So my prayer is this...that I WATCH. STOP. STARE. WRITE. PHOTOGRAPH. LOVE. ENJOY. That I remain aware of the crashing boulder of time, and that instead of standing still and trying to slow it down, that I roll along with it, collecting beautiful moments and memories as we go. I can't stop time; I can only relish the time we have left. May it be long.

So Happy Birthday sweet Addison...I can't wait to watch your third year unfold.

Love,
Mama

EIGHT TIPS FOR CAPTURING THE MAGIC OF THE SEASON

Monday, December 23, 2013

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas season, and taking tons of photos of their kiddos, but I am guessing that if you are like me, the holidays have crept up on you, and you are feeling a little guilty and stressed over all of the special moments that you had intended to capture but never did. But take heart....it's not too late!!! I have compiled a little list of eight of my favorite photo tips and moments to photograph this holiday season. Every mama deserves awesome pictures of her kids this time of year, and it isn't as hard as you might think....promise!!!!

So, without further ado, here they are.....

EIGHT WAYS TO CAPTURE THE MAGIC THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON:

1. Photograph Twinkle Lights

I know that this probably seems obvious, but how many of you have tried to photograph the beautiful, out-of-focus lights(also known as bokeh) on your tree, only to be discouraged when they do not turn out the way you envisioned? I promise that this is EASY, and once you master it, you will feel like a real photographer ;). Here are my easy-peasy steps to capture a photo just like this:

*You must have a DSLR for this type of shot, and if you have a 50mm lens, use it!!
*Turn your camera dial to the manual setting ("M")
*Turn your aperture dial until you see the LOWEST number aperture (in the case of a 50mm lens, it will be 1.8 or 1.4...a kit lens will probably be around 3-4). This is called shooting wide open :).
* Turn your ISO up HIGH(this will vary depending on your camera, but start around 1000 and go from there).
*Flip the little switch on your lens from "auto focus" to "manual focus".
*Turn the focus ring on your lens until the lights on your tree look like out of focus orbs of light...you can make them bigger by making them further out of focus, or smaller by retaining SOME focus.
*Adjust your shutter speed until you have a correct exposure, OR just play with it until you get the desired brightness in your photo....don't be too concerned with lining up the tick marks. There is nothing wrong with creatively under or overexposing! If you have a hard time with camera shake, lean against a wall or furniture to steady your hand for a slow shutter speed ;)
*Click that shutter and be amazed!!!!! :) Instant Christmas tree bokeh!!!!!

2. Set the scene and walk away.

This is a trick I use all of the time when photographing my own kids. We all want storybook pictures of our children...wouldn't it be nice if all of our Christmas photos included combed hair with bows, new pajamas or Christmas outfits, and a setting free of clutter??? Well, here is a tip: take ten minutes to change your child's clothes, clear the clutter, and stage the setting. Give the kids an activity, such as "decorate the tree" or "write a letter to Santa", and then walk away and let them do their own thing. This is lifestyle photography at its best ;)....just try not to direct your kids or pose them! Step back and capture them just as they are....natural expressions, real interaction, etc. You are bound to capture some priceless moments if you use this style of photography! Don't be afraid to offend the "die-hard" lifestyle photographers out there by tidying up a bit or wiping your kid's snotty nose before snapping the shutter lol....you are just creating a more visually dynamic and appealing photo and composition, not staging the shot!!! :)

3. Don't forget the details!!!

Sometimes, the story is in the details. For example, in order to illustrate the story of my family's eggnog tradition, I could take a snapshot of the family sitting on the couch with their cups. But sometimes a detail shot is more effective and interesting...such as a photo of four tiny cups, filled to the brim with eggnog, photographed in front of the sparkling Christmas tree. The two photos tell the same story, but the detail-shot is more visually dynamic and unique. The detail photo makes you want to hear the story, doesn't it? :) Some possible detail photos to capture this season: special ornaments, cups of hot cocoa or eggnog, little hands baking cookies, up-close shots of letters to Santa, little hands hanging ornaments on the tree, a picture of a special recipe, etc. Think outside the box when capturing a special memory!!! :)

Addie sneaking a cookie during our eggnog tradition ;)

Flour flying from little hands during cookie baking...

4. Capture special traditions

We all have fun activities that are unique to our family. Maybe you make homemade ornaments with your kids every year, or drive around looking at Christmas lights in your pj's, or have a special advent calendar. Don't get caught up in the hoopla of "elf on the shelf" or other things you feel like you "have to do". Think about the traditions that your family shares that would be greatly missed if you didn't do them....the things that you look forward to each year and always want to remember. Now go photograph those things!!!! That is the story of YOUR family :).

making cinnamon-applesauce ornaments....a yearly tradition

touring the neighborhood in a wagon with hot cocoa and jammies

picking out a Christmas tree

5. Know when to put the camera away

This one is a big deal for all of us mom-tographers out there that want to capture every special moment in our family's lives, but I bet it would surprise you to know that I take surprisingly FEW photos of my kids' activities ;). It is important to limit the time that I am shooting, so that I can also enjoy the moments as they are happening!!! My advice for this is to shoot for the first five minutes, and then put the camera down!!!!! For example, when my kiddos wake up on Christmas morning, I want to capture that excitement and wonder when they first see the presents Santa brought them. So I make sure I am "on top of my game", and get the shots I want right away, and then I put the camera down and just savor watching them and being with them. Know that when it comes to photography, it is QUALITY not QUANTITY that is important! I would rather have ONE amazing shot of my girls, wide-eyed with wonder, than FIFTY shots of them opening random gifts after the initial excitement has passed :).

going to see what Santa brought :)

the "aftermath"....asleep in her new teepee after all the Christmas festivities!

6. The night before Christmas is important too! :)

Some of my favorite photos of my girls are the ones I took while they were sleeping snugly in their beds on Christmas Eve. Tuck them in tight, read them a story, then sneak back into their rooms and capture their sweet faces as they dream about Christmas morning :). There is nothing like the innocence of a sleeping child!!! Tips: Turn on a bedside lamp or Christmas tree if your child has one in their room, and if you shoot in auto mode, turn off your flash so that you can capture the natural ambient light instead of a glaring flash! If your photo looks blurry without the flash turned on, or if you are shooting in manual and have a slow shutter speed, then use an object as a tripod....just lean against a sturdy piece of furniture, wall, or even a toy to steady your hand ;).

7. Focus on the feelings

Try not to get too caught up in photographing the "standard" Christmas things. Yes, a photo with Santa is important, but think outside the box and try to focus on the feelings you want to remember about this time in your family's lives. Whatever stage of life your children are in at this moment, it is fleeting. This year, I am soaking up all the moments of toddlerhood with Addie....her fascination with the lights, our little porcelain Christmas village, and snowglobes. I am also soaking up these last moments I have with my oldest daughter, who, for the moment, still believes in Santa :). These moments are precious to me, and I want to take photos of things that highlight their stages of childhood.

making a wish list to send to Santa...

8. Photos are made for albums and frames ;)

This year, I made a point to PRINT all of our Christmas photos. I have made a simple album to hold all of our memories, and have framed a couple of prints to put out each year :). I love sharing my pictures on Facebook and social media, but it is more important to pull those pictures OFF my computer, and put them in my family's hands for everyone to enjoy!!!

I hope this little list inspires you to take some photos you haven't thought of before, but always remember to enjoy the moment first, and capture the memory second!!!! Living in the moment is priceless :).

xoxo,
Julie

Christmas Magic

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Dear Apple Cheeks,

Well girls, it is officially December, and we have spent the last two weeks decking the halls...your dad and I parked studiously at the dining room table, researching and making, decorating and designing. One of us meticulously designed a tree made from lights for the front yard using mathematical formulas, while the other crafted mini snow globes from old baby food jars, and mod-podged everything in sight with an obscene amount of red glitter. I will let you guess which things I made ;). Let's just say it's a good thing your dad and I balance each other out, because left to my own defenses, I might just cover the entire inside of the house with twinkle lights and glitter.....what can I say? I am right-brained all the way....just give me a glue stick and some paper, and I am one happy girl :).

I blame my Christmas spirit on my mother. As far as holiday cheer, goes, she set the bar pretty high. Each December, my childhood home was filled to the brim with twinkle lights, a tree in every room(including one by the [ahem] toilet [cough,cough]), and motion-activated figurines that belted out Christmas tunes when we walked by. A perpetual soundtrack of The Carpenter's Christmas carols filled the house all month long, as my mother tirelessly produced batch after batch of homemade goodies...fudge, her famous divinity, and pies. Basically, girls, your granny is the "Queen of Christmas", which makes YOUR mother the "princess of Christmas", and I am more than willing to own that title, so bring on the glitter and fake snow....let's make some magic!!! Because that was what my mother was REALLY doing all along, and we didn't even know it...she was creating an atmosphere of magic, wonder, anticipation, and joy. Every strand of lights she strung, every dollar she sacrificed to make a wish list come true, every batch of finicky divinity candy she coddled on the stovetop....it all added up to an entire childhood of Christmas wonder. I can still recall the excitement of Christmas Eve as a child...laying on my sister's trundle bed beneath the old, frayed quilt, straining to hear the faintest jingle of sleigh bells or thump of reindeer hooves. I know what it's like to be so excited you can hardly breathe, let alone SLEEP!!!! The gifts I received are a memory I can't recall, but the feeling of waking up on Christmas morning and walking down the hall to see what Santa brought? Well, that feeling is etched on my heart forever.

Oh, childhood, sweet childhood....mine just a memory, but yours here for the moment, fleeting though it may be. I vow to revel in it, savor it, dwell in it, and take advantage of every second of it! I hope that I can somehow create for you what my mother did for me....a sense of wonder, and the firm knowledge that you are loved and worth the effort. You are worth every light strung, every decoration, every special tradition we create together. So lets' make some magic this Christmas, girls. Let's create a season that has little to do with gifts, and everything to do with feelings...an overwhelming love for Jesus, a deep comfort that comes from being together as a family, and a sense of wonder and joy. Let's sit together under that old frayed quilt and drink hot chocolate. Let's cuddle on the couch and giggle together while watching Christmas movies. Let's make cookies and ornaments, and laugh instead of cry when we ruin yet another batch of Christmas candy ;). Let's make memories that will last a lifetime...the kind of memories that can bring warmth on a chilly day, and bring you back home when your childhood seems very far away.

Christmas is in your blood, girls...embrace it!!!! :)

With love (and glitter),
Mama

Just a few of our outdoor lights :)...

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painting nutcrackers...

my vintage kitchen chalkboard....

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snuggly sisters :)...

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Gardendale parade...

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Watching the fireworks at the parade!

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Daddy's firetruck ;)!!!!!

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Dear Ella

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Dear Apple Cheeks,

It was on this day five years ago that you came into this world...heart pumping, arms flailing...a fighter from the very beginning. You came like a whirlwind and swept my heart away from the first moment I laid eyes on you. I saw your face, and I knew you....you were mine, and I was yours. But you came much too soon, and seventeen days later, I found myself face-down on the hospital floor, pleading with God to save your little life. Later that night, I held you as I watched you slip away. I rocked you in my arms, sang soft lullabies in your tiny ear, and I believe with all of my heart that you heard me when I told you how much I love you....more than anything....more than everything.

Lydia, life doesn't get much harder than this. You have watched your mother's pain, and we have weathered this storm together, just you and me. One of the most heart-breaking, beautiful, faith-solidifying things I have ever encountered has been watching you process the death of your sister. I know how much you love her, and how much you feel her absence. Sometimes you will sit alone and cry, draw pictures for her, or make up songs and sing them to her when you think no one is listening. I want you to know that she hears them, and that she knows how much you love and miss her. This emptiness will never heal, but together we will move forward until the day we get to see her again. I hope I have shown you with my own life and with my own grieving process that you can make it through anything. God will take care of you, and help you through the unthinkable. Never forget that, sweet girl.

As I celebrate your fifth birthday, Ella, I will sit by your grave, sing "Happy Birthday" to you, and release five pink balloons into the sky. I will eat cake, look at your pictures, and reminisce. I will ache to hold you just one more time, dream of your face, and cry tears from a never-ending well reserved just for you. I will feel fresh, brand-new hurt so painful, it will make me lose my breath and drop me to my knees. And it is there, on my knees, that I will pray. I will give my broken heart to the only one who can mend it. I will ask for help, and He will not fail to give it. He will comfort me, and soothe me with His love. I will lay my hurt at the feet of the One who promises me that this is all part of His plan, and that He will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born (Isaiah 66:9).

And for all of the mothers with the broken, shattered dreams...the ones with dirt on their clothes from laying by the graves of their babies...the ones with the tear-soaked pillows, and the hearts that never stop aching.....

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more. There will no longer be any mourning, crying, or pain. For the old order of things have passed away."

Rev 21:4

We will see them again one day....

xoxo,

Julie

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Balloons were released by each family member at the Baby Steps 5K. It is a beautiful, heart-breaking sight to know that each of these balloons represent a child or a baby. Hundreds of balloons were released this year....

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My husband and I run the Baby Steps 5K each year in memory of Ella and Ethan

Busy Isn't Better...

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Dear Apple Cheeks,

One day you girls will read these words when you are in a similar stage of life as I am in right now....a mother, a wife, in your twenties or thirties with young children of your own. I hope that when you are my age, your life is FULL....that it feels like it may just burst at the seams from all of the goodness that you have been blessed with. I hope you have careers that challenge you, and a hobby that feels like passion...something you could do every single day of your life and never tire of it. This is the way that I feel most days....full, and blessed, and passionate, and ready to take on the day. But it has not always been this way, girls, and if one day you are reading this, and it feels like maybe your life is running you instead of the other way around, do not be discouraged! Please know that your mother has been there too, and that finding balance is a life-long battle. As women, we wear the term "busy" like a badge of honor....whoever has the busiest life, the most obligations, the least "free time" is the winner. We have a tendency to make life a competition, not realizing that in the process of "winning" the busy contest, we are losing the joy from our days. It is a continual struggle NOT to join the busy competition, because let's face it....it is MUCH easier to say "yes" to every opportunity and invitation that comes our way than to say "no". Something that has taken me a long time to realize is that when we say "yes" to something, though, we are also saying "no" to something else. You may decide to turn down a professional opportunity by saying "no", but you are really just saying "yes" to more time for something else in your life(family, free time, peace of mind,etc.). My challenge for the two of you is this: Do not follow the norm and wear "BUSY" like a badge ;). Take time to play with your kids in the living room floor, watch a movie with your husband, read something that inspires you, take a two hour bubble bath, or stay in your pajamas and scrapbook all day. Bake a pie, learn something new, sit all by yourself in a coffee shop, or do absolutely anything else that feeds your soul and brings you peace. If your schedule feels out of control, take time to figure out WHY it is so hectic. Nothing gets on our plate without us saying "yes" to it. Eliminate things from your life that feel like a weight on your shoulders....scale down, mark off, say "no", choose less. Busy isn't better, and success is not having a bigger "to-do list". A successful woman is one that knows how to prioritize; one that knows that she can take time to be with her family, friends, God, and herself while still crushing her professional goals :). Balance, balance, balance....find it, savor it, lose it, then find it again. :) So, if today you are reading this and your life is "oh my gosh, out of control!!!!!!", then find a quiet spot(hide in the closet if you have to), and make a different kind of to-do list. Not the typical, anxiety-producing, how am I ever gonna get all of this done kind of list, but a "want to do list". Think of FIVE things you would like to accomplish this month that you feel like you would never have the free time to do. Keep it SIMPLE, do-able, and only include things that are JUST FOR YOU ! This list should be all about bringing you joy, peace, and making you feel creative and accomplished, not guilty!!!! When your regular to-do list begins to feel overwhelming, pull out your want-to-do list and feel the peace that washes over you....that is the beauty of balance, girls!! So go make your list of goals and start crushing them!!!! I promise you will feel more accomplished than you ever have, and you will have more drive than ever to knock out your regular to-do list if you include this simple idea into your life. Remember that I love you, I understand how you feel, and that you can and WILL do anything you set your mind to!!!

xoxo,

Mama

P.S.

Here is my list of "5 Simple Goals" for November, along with some wonderful fall memories we have created this year :). Isn't life beautiful when we take the time to enjoy it?????