I cried the day I first saw the handprints on the wall. It was one of those days...a middle of the week-too much to do-how did my house get so messy kind of day. I was struggling, and if I am being honest with you, I struggle most days. Mamas have a lot of different hats, and sometimes, we just don't know which one to wear. On that particular Wednesday, I was juggling one too many things. Nursing career, editing client photos, answering emails, preparing for upcoming photo sessions, cleaning my house top to bottom for a party, and trying desperately to be a good mother in the midst of it all. I am pretty sure I failed. At least at the "great mother" part. That was pretty evident as I discovered the distinct imprint of ten little Cheeto's-crusted fingers on my dining room wall, and subsequently burst into tears. That's right, folks....I cried!!! Ha...have you ever had a good old stress-induced cry? It was completely silly, and unnecessary, but I have to admit, it felt good :). Stress, tension, sleep-deprivation...they can all add up to one overly dramatic mama. I took one look at my dining room with the greasy, cheesy handprinted wall and walked away in frustration. So much for the perfect house I wanted to have for the perfect party. Perfection really is a trap, isn't it?

Those handprints stayed on my wall. The party came and left. Nobody noticed my dirty walls. But I did. Everytime we sat down at the dinner table, I saw them. When we played boardgames, had midnight snacks, did homework...I saw them. And they became beautiful. I smiled when I saw them...tiny little messy fingerprints...a sign of childhood. My daughter's childhood. I started taking note of other signs around my home. Things others might view as messy or even ugly, but to me were signs of beauty. Four little coloring pages hanging above my desk, taped up by Lydia with strips of Scotch tape; little toddler socks in the pile of big-people laundry; the teddy bear tucked inside my tangled bedsheets, toys and little bags of Cheerios tucked inside my purse. Signs of life: Lydia and Addison were here ;).

 

 

It was a few weeks later when the handprints disappeared. We were cleaning and preparing for yet another party in our home when my husband yelled for me to come to the dining room. He stood there proudly, magic eraser in hand, the handprints gone. I gasped, and tears welled up once again in my eyes. He hugged me as I laughed/cried over the little Cheeto handprints once again. "I didn't know you were saving them, sweetie. I'm sorry", he whispered. I laughed at the absurdity of "saving" dirt on the walls. I wasn't mad, or even upset. And let's face it...the walls needed to be cleaned, haha. But I was a little sad to see them go. I know that my daughter's hands will never be that little again. And one day? She will wipe her hands on a napkin, instead of the wall ;). She won't sit on the couch with a little bowl of Cheeto's, her fingers, face, arms, and clothes covered in sticky artificial cheese. She will grow up as all children do. One day I will sit alone with my husband on the couch in a quiet home, while the memories of laughter and childhood echo through the walls. But not today. Today I have LOUD. I have messy. I have whining, dramatic girls, and pages of homework, and broken crayons on the floor. I have little hands that reach for me, and little voices that call me "mama". And I will treasure it for all it is worth...and remain on a quest to take note of the beautiful signs of life and childhood inside my home :). Won't you do the same?

 

Big hugs,

Julie